This blog post is because my husband is my new boss, and he likes things organized. So I'm organizing my computer. And I find old stuff I wrote. And I was HILARIOUS. (Maybe I still am!) I remember my dad sending me a link about how people change from child one to child three (Sorry I don't have the author - please claim it if it's you, I'll give you props!) and he asked me to fill in the number 4 and 5 spots. So I did. Enjoy!
Written/edited in 2009. My additions are in blue.
BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your
OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
4th baby: You trade maternity clothes with a friend or sister, hoping hers aren't as gross and worn out as yours.
5th baby: Her clothes ARE as gross and worn out as yours, and the local goodwill notices, and begins donating maternity clothes to you, since theirs are newer, and less worn.
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time,
breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
4th baby: You just schedule a C-section.
5th baby: You schedule a C-section, tubal, and tummy tuck all at once, and have margaritas delivered to the recovery room.
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them,
and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and
discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
4th baby: You pull clothes out of the 2 year olds drawers and roll them up a bit - no one will notice. And the baby's clean, right?
5th baby: Goodwill asks when you'll have your sixth child, as they already have you on the drop-off route, and want to be ready next time. They throw a party when you tell them about the tubal.
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown-- you pick up the baby
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the
4th baby: The 4 year old holds the bottle so that you can nod off in your chair for a few minutes.
5th baby: The 3 year old calls to you to tell you to "Hurry up and feed the baby, we can't hear our show," as she's hauling her baby baby sister from the floor to the couch so you can get to her faster. (True story, three days ago - I found out the baby was on the couch when Annagail came in and said, "Wow Libby's getting heavy!" - I FREAKED OUT. YAAAH!)
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away
until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it
off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
4th: Why won't this baby take a pacifier? Or suck on SOMETHING? Here, big brother, stick your thumb in his mouth. Will that work?
5th: Conversation between you and the 20 month old. "Where's the pacifier? Under the bassinet? Grab it and stick it in, gently please."
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether
they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to
complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
4th baby: You contemplate having an older sibling learn to change diapers, but don't do it.
5th baby: You kick yourself for not training the older sibling to change diapers, before they argued so much.
_______________________________ _ _______________________
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing,
Baby Zoo, Baby Movies and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry
4th baby: You take your baby to the mailbox, and are so happy he got to see the outdoors.
5th baby: You take your baby EVERYWHERE - it's nice that she stays in a carseat so you know where she is.
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you
call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to
leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if
she sees blood.
4th baby: You dream of going out, but can't afford a baby sitter without a loan.
5th baby: You wonder if the kids will blame you for spending their inheritance on baby sitters.
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your
older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the
4th baby: You spend a little bit of every day gazing at all the children... slack jawed, frozen in time, thinking, "How did THIS happen?"
5th baby: You wonder where the children have hidden the baby.
Swallowing Coins (a favorite):
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child
to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully
watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from
4th child: You require the children to earn that money back - they should've been watching to make sure the money didn't get swallowed.
5th child: Good news! There is no money to swallow.
GRANDCHILDREN: God's reward for allowing your children to live.
To my daddy: Of course, you KNOW that I adore my job as a mother, and am so thrilled to have all five here and healthy. Brad and I count our blessings moment by moment, and laugh out loud just as often at the things that transpire. It is funny - three seems like such a breeze! Thanks for the opportunity to heap it on thicker! Fun!